ello governah

it been a nice 2018 so far just being a piece of shit.

my brain has been shut off for a good minute now.

I can’t remember what exactly I did all this time unless I think really hard and that’s really not worth doin right now BUT,

ive somehow felt hella busy all this time despite not doing shit with my life

i don’t think whatever these past few months were.
i dont think they were for naught.

i learned that i actually really enjoy being a piece of shit too.

like, I could die just like this and it’s okay.

i cant say i feel like Im growing or anything,
im not going toward some greater purpose

but atleast my face has almost always had a smile on it


Alright gay shit aside;
&btw that whole section up there is like straight bullshit tbh

Okay so I have 4 shows in these next two weeks.
I’m pretty confident that I’m going to quit the dancing groups after that;

I know, I said that last time.
And yet here I am still dancing with them.
(and that could very well happen again)

But I really don’t give a fuck about them.
I just am doing it to fill my time away.
It has been a great new experience tho.

But before you know it Im too close and if you stupid fucks know anything about me at all, it’s that I cannot handle any kind of real connection in my life, no holding on OKAY.
Only throw

So I want to end that and just go back to kicking it in mah room for a few months until I’m bored of that

Now that I’m so comfortable with being a shitter without feeling guilty about it.
I just want to embrace it.
(alone lol)


Yo I really might just start laying my ass around and just be fucking reading bruh.
I started the next series in that book I read a couple months ago and I can’t stop.

It’s so fucking good.


Work is and will continue to be extra extra annoying for the next 2 weeks as I have a “big” project that I am working on in conjunction with my manager because there is a lot of new stuff I haven’t worked with before.

And that’s cool and all but he talks about the same shit to me over and over like C code is fucking advanced physics when it’s just another fucking coding langauge. They are all the fucking same dude.

He said this will be “hard” compared to everything I’ve done like I never coded a normal application before coming to this shithole job bro. He so fucking stupid. I’m not like 80yrs like u and forget everything in 2 seconds ARAGHGHRHGRH

But I sit.
and remind myself.
that I essentially am getting paid to just listen to him talk.
I don’t have to move a single brain cell.

He talks himself into coding what I should be doing, and that’s that.
I damn near fell asleep standing up in his office today, I shit you not.


Im still so fucking proud that I didn’t fuck up my teeth this year.
I was sitting in that damn dentist chair just waiting for them to go ham and tell me im stupid and ugly and this and that is wrong as usual.

But it was just the same few problems that i haven’t fixed yet.


flossing has finally become a real ingrained habit that I do by accident without even thinking about doing it.

Sometimes I catch myself flossing in the morning too! before realizing what the fuck am I doing, I just fckn flossed



I went on my own insurance 4 da first time too OHHH BOIIII.

dentist still called me kiddo though

minus points


I wish having a girlfriend was as cool in reality as it is in theory.

I was feigning interest so well too,
but I finally got tired and can’t keep up my front anymore.

plus how u gon date some1 as a made up person
it don really make sense u know
id crackd n b real eventually and then what, duh

She seemed to have some slight interest too!
If I would reciprocate
but I literally can’t keep up with them high energy levels.
so bubbly every single day
why do guys have to date younger

ima find a cougar
okay BIG jk im not

im sure theres 1 lowkey person on de planet looking for a surprisingly annoying guy who also has near null interest in talking

come out my friend



I actually never read my own blog.
But I just did and I can safely assure that nothing has changed since 2015.

I never knew what my next goal was and still don’t 3 years later.
I still am just living with no real passion anymore.

I forget that these things aren’t new.
That I’ve been this way for practically forever now.


It has been around a monthish of just doing whatever I want

And I’ve been thinking a lot but I haven’t come up with a single answer.
Where are the answers at.

I planned to quit the dance clubs after our performance this month.
But what’s the point?

What am I going to replace it with?
What else am I going to do?
Nothing, the answer is nothing.
There is nothing else I want to do.

So my life has gone from dream-chasing to just holding onto this last thread to keep myself afloat.


I started talking to one of the older persons at my job.
He’s pretty cool, going to teach me some shit about financing and whatnot.

I honestly don’t give a damn about the whole “Financial Independence” movement thing that is pretty big nowadays but.

I’m still going to meet up and listen and learn and see if maybe this’ll make me want to give a damn about something.

He made a good point about how young people(me) surround themselves with young people who are equally as lost and then ask eachother for advice instead of looking up towards people who have already got past that point.

( Granted we just use the internet / books instead but still )
( Doesn’t hurt )

It’s also motivating to hear he also keeps up with normal programming on the side daily like I did to make sure he can get a new job whenever he wants to.

I’ll try to start that back maybe.
or not


I succumbed far too early.
I told myself to wait to get into dance because I knew this would happen but it’s too late.

Today marks the death of my path to poster boy job w/ big ol safety net and security.

I even told them I would be quitting the other group.
I really didn’t plan on going.
but 7:30 hit. And my ass just got up.

I’ve been going out every single day for so long now, I just wanted to stay in for one day. And I couldn’t. I was so damn antsy.

Who the fuck am I

too tired to write again
but dont want anymore stupid club shenanigans cluttering up my next posts.
so just dump it out now

Went to a new club with the ppls yesterday and it was pretty cool.

I made sure to take initiative to make the first move ……and it just worked.

I can’t tell how my tipsy self chooses who I want to dance with lmao.
I know I am picky, cause I dance around and look for awhile, but I got no clue what exactly makes me stop and try a girl.

first girl brushed me off at first but she was could move and was pretty fun to dance with so I stayed with them for like a whole long song and then she threw it back lmfao.

I thought it was hilarious because this girl was nearly as tall as I and a normal healthy weight while I’m a fckn wet noodle frame over here

Where’s a wall when you need one lol

Then I got caught up in a dance battle.
The homeboy probably doesn’t recognize me, but I danced with him and his people for about 2 months a year and a half ago.
Was cool to run into again. I dnt fk with his style, but he’s damn good for sure.

Some photographer was taking mad photos of meh during the battle but I can’t find the most-likely-digusting photos on their platforms. which is good.

a random thiccums grabbed me after the battle.
I also thought this was fckn hilarious because there were two swole ngas who were both taller than me and you grab me. Why

Godbless the random column in the center of the dance floor.

She had rhythm and the whole back arch ordeal goin on
that was nice

And I don’t know how I managed to get caught up with the last girl, I think we just made eye-contact and it was over.

She was taller than me with her heels!
First time having to catch a twerk and not have my knees destroyed in the process lmfao

I remember her face was actually gorgeous. She seemed like russian? Italian? I don’t really know. And we did like a bad drunk salsa, I even twirled her and everything.
I was proud of that, usually drunk twirls end up in a knot or somebody on the floor lmao.

She slapped my ass hard as hell when I left her.
Pair that with the height thing(even tho she was twerkn on me), &I left feeln like I was her toy.
Emasculated lmao

I got rejected a couple times here and there too but it was no big deal.
I think I have a (big)fear of somebody blowing up on me and being super angry and making a scene but it really is not like that at all.

They step away or shake their head and then you keep it moving.

Cool location,
Good music with a DJ that can actually mix,
Good lightning
okay ratio, felt 1:3
and the room temperature is bearable albeit still hot.

All clubd out right now but def would return if somebody wanted to turn up.

wow I say I don’t go out but I just went to moondogs(2/10), TnG(5/10), and now MJQ within two weekends

im tired

I really don’t know how to phrase this post without sounding shitty

I deleted it like 4 times now but

What I am failing to get across is:

-I got no slut shaming in me.
-But then I receive any kind of attention by a girl who I seen was talking to a good amount of guys and I instinctively am not interested.
which is, well,
slut shaming.


I wish I could just live in the moment and not be so attentive to such pointless matters.
But all I could notice was the 10 other vultures inching forward for their turn to swoop in and that made the short moment very unattractive despite her being really sweet n attractive.


I just wanted to dance on stage for a moment but I’m like 3 seconds into my little freestyle and I look out and literally nobody is jumping or anything, everyone is just watching me

I walked off that stage so quickly lmao. I thought I would just be lost in the crowd.

But loving stages and being tall doesn’t mix if you wanna be lowkey I guess.


They opened a dance circle too but they really weren’t fckn with my moves hahahaha.

but don’t forget footage doesn’t lie.

My friend recorded on snap and I checked later and can confirm I killed that move.

Too slow and boring for a club tho, they want them fast fancy tricks.


It’s 5am and I kinda wanna eat but I’ll just try sleepn I guess.

I just ate a ice cream cone that hit the fucking spot.
I love nights with no work the next morning.
So peaceful knowing I’m going to get up anytime.


Somebody else besides me initiated a work lunch for the first time ever like a month ago.
I had to remind them who the alpha is so I created a lunch outing today.

lol, alpha jokes aside, my co-workers die at my shitty snarky replies.
They make me seem 100x funnier than I actually am. stop it lol.

I’m so tired rn I can’t really write that much more tbh.
I’m bed bloggin and my eyes are shuttin on me.


I atleast want to add that I bonded well with the dance crew today.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve actual like been myself and let down my many many many ( many ) walls with people outside my immediate circle I’ve known for 5years.

It honestly felt weird to have genuine interest in people. To actually want to get to know them better and not just lying to myself so I could say “see, I was social today”

Went to the gym to workout.

Didn’t even get to the workout, just tried to fight through choreo instead for like an hour 30.

I joined the small subset dance group instead.
And now this makes me the most amateur of the group as I’m 2 months into my choreo career while they been performing for years.

The set we started learning isn’t even too bad…I’d say a level 4 out of 10.

But damn, I just don’t like how uncertain I am about it.
It’s fast as fuck.

I’m not used to having no time to think about the next move.
I can’t think of things as separate sections like I’m used to
cuz then I think ” okay, now onto the next section ”
and then I already missed the fucking beat.


Such bullshit that a company screening involves like a stupid ass personality / reflex / decision making quiz???!?!?

I’m so tired of software engineer culture bullshit.
I’m here fucking preparing for a coding quiz and instead I am being tested on if I can remember if the current number equals the number that was flashed before the last fucking number.


Life is such a fucking joke.
That was only ONE of NINE parts inside of ONE of THREE portions of that shit.
It said 30 minutes to an hour.
No, that shit took an hour30.

I can’t code because my short-term memory is lacking guys.
Stay away from me.

I await the sweet sweet taste of rejection.